“Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now, take what’s left and live it properly. What doesn’t transmit light creates its own darkness.”
― Marcus Aurelius,
The last few months have been interesting, to say the least. I felt the need to check back in, even though everything comes out all wrong. I do not owe you any explanation, I do not write this for you. It’s been a while since I’ve tried my hand at writing something from the heart. Actually, it’s been a while since I really sat down to write anything really. Something wasn’t working in my life. And I finally did something to change it. I took a leap of faith, I am stumbling a lot, and little by little I feel a bit more assured of my decision. I know that eventually I will be grateful for my own perseverance, among other things.
I am not a robot.
Something wasn’t working in my life, therefore I finally did something to change it. Change is scary and intimidating. I now comprehend that change is a continuing process that may require active decision-making for years, decades even. There’s been a rough period in my life. This is not something I am proud of. It sure is not something I would like to admit to myself. But heck, life’s is full of rough patches. I have experienced a lot of things, some good, some bad, because ultimately such is life for everyone. During this rough period, the bad things have been the ones that were stubbornly suppressed by my little mind – up until mid September. I don’t think it was anything like a psychotic break, but I wasn’t happy with who I was, or where I was heading. I felt like I had no purpose or reason to live any more. Enjoyable things did no longer seem enjoyable. Days went past, and I was a walking through life like an invisible ghost, chained to a depression I did not allow myself to admit to or deal with. During this time I lost my ability to properly communicate with people (family, friends, co-workers, myself). I switched to this auto-pilot kind of state. Rehearsing positive affirmations to everyone around me. Going through the motions, while nothing really happens apart from the growing pit in my gut: the guilt of not living up to my potential and wasting the time of the people around me. It was mid-September that my insomnia caught up with me and kind of K-O’d me.
I know I am not a robot, but even robots need fixing too.
I realized that whether I am happy or not, if I don’t look after my health (be it physical or mental) right now, it doesn’t matter if I’m happy, because I will probably be dead. So for anyone who didn’t know any of this about me, now you know that I’m just another scared human. I am strong-willed, I always put on a brave face and I always put a smile on my face, or at least I try really hard to do so. But I’ve reached my breaking point. I need to focus on my recovery and I need to be around people who can look after me. It’s been a tough pill to swallow, but I have to admit: I cannot look after myself right now.
This is the best decision I’ve ever made for myself, apart maybe from flying solo to Japan for 3 months (just kidding, maybe). I know that I will be able to recover and feel better physically and mentally… soon enough. I am working on it, learning to accept it, embrace it. I’m learning to make choices for me and not feel selfish about it. And most of all, allow myself to do so within plenty of time. Even though this all is definitely not in my nature. I didn’t like something, so I changed it. And I’m changing it still.
Please know that I am not looking for your sympathy. I just needed to address this to myself: acknowledge it so that I can work on it and move on.