Let November be November: ‘Stilte’

It’s weird how suddenly I am feeling the urge to put thoughts into words, pictures… tangible things. How am I immediately going against my own words? It is what it is?

I am learning to let the space between where I am and where I want to be, inspire me. Instead of intimidate me. I want to do a confession today, and set some intentions even. November always is that time of anticipation before Seasonal Affective Disorder kicks in. I’ve been managing my depression alright for a few years now, and every winter is extra tough. Ugh, depression. It’s nice to be able to call it out, instead of hiding it. Allowing myself to feel vulnerable and shitty. I am fully aware how every season has its purpose. And maybe this one’s for wallowing in melancholy– while still being honest with myself and not losing a battle with self-pity.

There’s a lot of shame for me, regarding depression. You see, I am fully aware how much of stable person I am, I even take some pride in it. So it’s painful to be aware how unstable my mental health is… and to be honest about it.

I am always looking forward to Christmas, as it’s a way of coping with the upcoming winter months. As well as Christmas being a beautiful and hopeful celebration to me. It’s where I allow myself peace of mind and time with the people I love. To be able to share a meal and ask them really tough and daunting questions about the past year, about the new year, and about where they feel they are in life (yeah, I know, I must be a fun person at parties, right). This year I want to use this time up to Christmas to reflect and do some introspection– but not be stuck in overthinking unnecessary things.

Therefore, I want to so some experimenting and challenge myself by sharing it on this online space. This coming week I will be focussing on giving myself some peace, some moments of silence, to sit with myself to feel and become aware of what is making me feel stuck. And then reflect on it next weekend, so I can set new intentions for the week after.

I hope to see you in a week’s time.

Have a good week, x

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