Birthdays

This weekend marked my 28th birthday. Which means last June was this blog’s 9th anniversary. What is time, huh?

I felt like doing a heartfelt walk down memory lane, which is a bit daunting because I don’t think I’ve done heartfelt on this blog since 2017. They say time changes everything (whoever they is). Yet this blog kind of remains. Despite the internet being a scary place, and despite my lack of heart. So I wanted to make it up to myself. Encourage the introspection, even though it was introspection and obsessive thinking that has gotten me here in the first place. Maybe even encourage blogging more often — crazy stuff!

First off, blogging as a concept has changed a lot over the past 9 years. It’s grown into a whole industry, an industry I don’t necessarily I feel at ease with. I never wrote for an audience. I wrote to understand myself better. To be able to look back on things, moments in time. Like a photo-album, but easier to access as I can’t lose it nor can it be burned to ashes. The trouble, and the joy I guess, is that people can find you on the internet. That’s not to say I have not honestly been so happy with the people who came into my life and change it one way or another. Or that I’m so happy there are people there in that blogosphere, people who I’m rooting for too — even though we’ve never met. It’s wonderful, really!

But it’s scary letting people into your mind. Opening up about things, knowing it will never come out the way I wanted. Not being a wordsmith, but still in need of an outlet. It makes me sad to write and rewrite these things so much nowadays, up to the point of never posting any of it.

Yet, I keep on keeping on. Just like the last 9 years. Like everyone, until we’re not anymore. Some of my favourite things I have learned during the past 9 years of blogging? I’ve learned to love the taste of a good coffee (initially because of how instagramable a flat white is), or a nice glass of red wine. I have learned everything (and still not enough) about gin. To appreciate art in more ways than just the aesthetic. To recognise my own point of view, when considering different perspectives of a concept. To take a step back when things get overwhelming. Also to realise it’s okay too, to get overwhelmed still. And I’ve learned that good friends and family are serious game-changers who have made things equally more hard and more enjoyable.

More exciting real life stuff? I graduated 5 years ago, travelled and worked across Japan solo for a couple of months, my brother got married last year, and my sister will get married in April next year! Pretty big moments, it’s moments like those when I feel confronted with being a fully-functioning adult. Goodness, feels both terrifying and like utter relief.

“And that would be a pity, because your life is short and rare and amazing and miraculous, and you want to do really interesting things and make really interesting things while you’re still here. I know that’s what you want for yourself, because that’s what I want for myself, too. It’s what we all want. And you have treasures hidden within you–extraordinary treasures–and so do I, and so does everyone around us. And bringing those treasures to light takes work and faith and focus and courage and hours of devotion, and the clock is ticking, and the world is spinning, and we simply do not have time anymore to think so small.”

Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic — read 150 weeks ago.

One of the “signs” of life going on is discovering I’ve gotten some new dreams in the past years. You know the things you think you’ll do as an adult when you’re fresh out of high school? Or maybe college even? Yeah, things change. Who knew.

I’d like to think that, extremely slowly, I’m working towards buying a house if the countryside of France and creating a community. The possibility, or the idea, started when I was visiting my late aunt and her husband down in the Vosges.

The trip was an idea of my dad, a month after I moved back home during “the great depression” (aka. my depression in 2017/18). We drove past this ridiculously fantastic place during a little sightseeing-tour of the region my late aunt lived. I’m saying sightseeing-tour, but really it was my dad’s effort in getting me some fresh air (and probably, hoping to get me some fresh perspective too).

One can dream of course, and I would only dream of calling this specific melancholic masterpiece my home. But hey… now that I have finally come to the terms that life does go on after your twenties (duh!), and I probably won’t die at 30 (hopefully!). There’s still so much left to live, why not have a few dreams or seemingly unachievable goals to work forward to?

Escaping the bustle of the city is one thing, relocating to a different country however is quite another. But I do feel very, very excited about the prospect. And it made me want to take my dreams serious. So I think I’m finally enrolling myself for a photography course. Blogging can be done with pictures only too, right?

But hey, whatever the outcome, when (or if) any of these dreams will become a reality, I’m feeling super-duper grateful for being able share these celebrations this year with all the people I hold dear (regardless they were physically present or not). And let’s see what comes our way! x

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