30.11.2017 – an update

Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”

C.S. Lewis

Dear reader,

We’re back for another depressing, whingy monologue where I confess how I find it so increasingly hard to function in this mad world we live in. I am definitely going to regret posting this, which is why I will refrain from diving in too deeply. Ehr, you ready?

Here are two things I’m struggling with, as probably at least half of humanity: 1) I hate opening up and 2) I hate feeling vulnerable. — Fuck. You can’t believe how many times I’ve been tempted to say I’m sorry while I was writing this blog-entry. I’d be lying if I say that I could believe it myself. It has started to become quite tedious. And now I’ve finally come to the realisation that it’s not that I am all that sorry for my own actions, but I am more sorry about the actions of others towards you. Somehow I feel the absolute need to apologise to you on behalf of others for all the hurt and injustice you have had to go through. Even though I know that doing so won’t make anything better. Not for you, and definitely not for me as the weight of the world on your shoulders is quite a heavy burden. I have realised that of all things, I actually am frustrated and angry, I do not know how to deal with this, but I know I shouldn’t take it out on you. I have had almost a dozen of these kind of posts lined in my drafts, but nothing felt quite right to share here. Even this. It feels all so very self-absorbed, but then again… I do have a blog.

Words seem very futile and somewhat insufficient. You see, I lately feel that I desperately want talk to people. But I can’t find the right words to describe what I want to say, what I really mean, what I feel. I wish I could say beautiful words but I somehow can’t. I wish I could feel connected deeper with other people. I wish I didn’t feel as much as I did. But I wish I somehow felt more than the heavy emptiness of my heart. You see, my heart is bursting… yet there’s nothing. All this nothingness is becoming unbearable. I begin to wonder if this is just one of those horrible things about being human?

Nothingness is really like the nothingness of space, which contains the whole universe. All the sun and the stars and mountains, and rivers, and good men and bad men, and the animals, and insects, and the whole bit. All are contained in the void. So out of this void comes everything and you’re it. What else could you be?

Alan Watts on The State of Nothing

I stumbled upon that lecture by Alan Watts years ago. It had been a bit of a mantra whenever things got too much to bear. Back then it used to comfort me. Right now however I am so utterly frustrated with all this nothingness. It feels futile and empty and silly even. It feels so, so wrong to feel this way.

It feels like my brain is in constant battle, everything feels ambiguous. I have realised that I am used to telling myself how to feel, act, react…cope and live really. It sounds a bit mental maybe but think I used to be able to see things in a bit of black and white, right and wrong kind of way. It was easier and softer for my brain. Yet, these days I am struggling to make sense of it all. It’s all a jumbled mess and I can’t seem to see straight. It’s like I have finally been given the chance to see life in colour, but I’m colour-blind — even though I’m quite sure this is not really how colour-blindness works, I just needed a good-enough metaphor to explain my feelings. But I fail horribly because WORDS! *insert jazz-hands*

I’m not sure what’s even happening. Maybe my thinking is all wrong? But who says what’s right?

I wanted to share my sentiments in this blog, but also remain cool and collected. Because that’s what we humans do right? We’re so fucking cool as human beings aren’t we? We all act as if we’re fine, yet the whole world is on fire. It’s like I’ve gone through a rite of passage now that I have fully obtained this knowledge. Now I have to get onboard the ‘fine-train’ and find a place in the world. I feel like I don’t want to but that I should in order to “survive”. Is that wrong? Maybe all that’s left for me to do now is to find a way for my thoughts to become rewired again and think positive and healthy thoughts and then maybe, just maybe, I would be able to function properly again? Fucksake.

You must be ready to burn yourself in your own flame; how could you rise anew if you have not first become ashes?

Friedrich Nietzsche

Thank you for your time and consideration. And yes, I am sorry. I’m working on it.
Lots of love,

Please know that I am not looking for your sympathy. I just need to address this to myself, make myself accountable and learn to acknowledge it so that I can work on it and move on.